Assuming your meal has been prepared and that you’re a fairly decent cook, the next most important aspect of creating a memorable occasion around the table – besides agreeing on the wine – is shared conversation. A truly fabulous meal can be an utter disaster when the dialogue is stilted or, worse, antagonistic. In such a case, I’d agreed with Aesop: A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety. However, with a little effort this need not be the case.
Synergy (“working together” in Greek) is a term used to describe a situation where different entities cooperate advantageously for a final outcome. Each person adds his/her particular skill that, in turn, builds on the skills of everyone in the group to generate a desired result. To be sure, synergistic exchanges are invigorating.
In conversation, this can happen naturally on occasion and we’ve all experienced it. Everyone comes away from the table feeling good (except those who may have overeaten). Each has had an opportunity to contribute, with his/her comments being respected and acknowledged by the others. And the discussion was enriched by nuance and perspective.
Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses. ~ Margaret Millar
We’ve also all had the experience of a dominant personality assuming the podium at the table and making others feel like part of the audience. This is especially difficult if the conversation hog is the host! Well, best to allow the hostess to take care of that either under the table with a foot prod or by deftly changing the subject, say, when he’s taking a bite of food or a sip of water and needs to come up for air. She could slip in a query like, “Ellen, could you tell us about your trip to New Zealand last month?”
Questions are the breath of life for a conversation. ~ James Nathan Miller
Share common experience
The idea is to try as best as you can to include everyone and to talk about a subject broad enough that allows for it. You’re not going to ask a physicist you’ve invited to explain String Theory (unless she is an exceptional teacher who is capable of simplifying complex math and making it interesting), but you might ask generally about what’s happening at the university, which may lead to a number of pleasant topics, such as upcoming events, academic trends, or anecdotes about student life.
Learn to be an active and reflective listener
When a person at the table is talking, focus on him or her and listen with your ears, eyes, and other senses, allowing the speaker to complete the thought without interruption. Having heard, you may then paraphrase the speaker’s words to make sure you understood correctly. Paraphrasing does not mean agreeing with the speaker. At this stage you may bring in a point you wish make about what was said, disagree and kindly state your reasons, good-naturedly challenge the speaker, or voice your full support. You can also say, Let me think about that! if you don’t know immediately what to make of what the speaker has just said.
The old English bard had a great deal to say about conversation:
Conversation should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood. ~ William Shakespeare
That’s an awful lot to have on one’s plate!
How to be a good conversationalist – working on your own conversational skills – will be subject of our next post.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Well, fine food for thought…and conversation. Interesting image of a pebble mandala – made me think of circles of communication that characterize a good conversation whereupon each person builds upon what the other has said. The capacity to do this, to sustain a conversation, denotes a developmental achievement and is acquired only within the context of a relationship defined by mutuality and reciprocity. Perhaps Shakespeare was suggesting that good conversation demands authenticity, respect for the subjectivity of others and a bit of daring. Good conversation should linger on the mind like good food lingers on the palate.
Very quotable last line, Mauri. Thank you!